They Don't Get It...

Some of the biggest critics of your dream share your DNA. They may even look like you. Whether you sleep next to them or see them every Thanksgiving, these are the people who knew you first, know you best and care about you most.

So why, then, are they also the same people who appear to doubt, dismiss or try to destroy your dreams? Why does it seem like, of all the people you tell your goals to, they're the only ones telling you the 999 reasons why your plan won't work?

The relationship between your dreams and your family is a complicated one. On the one hand, your family wants only the best for you. They know you deserve the best and they believe in your ability to get it. On the other hand, your family members are over-invested in your well-being. They want you to be safe, happy and free from rejection or pain. Combine that with their own personal hangups, fears, past failures and beliefs that only certain kinds of successes are worth pursuing and you've got biased individuals who give more credence to their opinions than you ever need to.

The problem with family is not that they say or do discouraging things.

It's that we buy into it.

Anytime you make anyone else's opinion of you more important than your opinion of yourself, you turn over the controls of your life to that person. You give your power to them by allowing your passion to be diffused by their position.

Don't do it!

Family patterns are set by the time children hit 5 years of age. As an adult, you might find it difficult to redefine the relationship boundaries between yourself and a parent, a sibling, or a spouse. It might feel a little like a betrayal to say "This is me. I'm doing what I feel is best."

Keep in mind two things:
1- You never have to explain.
When a family member starts to offer unasked for advice, simply say "I'll consider that" (even if you won't), and change the subject. The moment you start to explain why you're doing what you're doing, you become 7 again and you're back to trying to convince your parents to let you wear a certain outfit to school tomorrow.

2- Don't share your vision with people who can't see.
You may desire to share your dreams with your family. You may long for their approval and support but understand that they, in all sincerity, cannot support a dream they don't understand. It's not their fault. They aren't being consciously malicious. It's simply a matter of vision. If they don't "get" it, they don't have the full capacity to back it. Keep your vision to yourself until it shines forth so bright that everyone will see it.

A special note about spouses...

If you have an unsupportive spouse (i.e. a spouse who discourages you from pursuing your dreams), you have to take a renegade approach to furthering your goals by doing three things:

1- Don't take it personally.
Whatever your spouse is saying about your goals has everything to do with how he/she feels about him/herself and nothing to do with your actual capability in achieving the goals. Notice that when your spouse's mood changes so too does his/her level of support in your dreams. Again, opinions are cheap. Tune your spouse out.

2- Don't stop.
There is a tendency, on the part of some spouses, to delay or even halt pursuing a dream in the hopes that the unsupportive spouse will one day be "ready." That day may never come. #1- God didn't give that dream to your spouse; He gave it to you. #2- Your spouse may not have the judgment, righteousness, and capacity to adequately assess your goals; in fact, given the clear point that he/she is emotionally tied to you, your spouse is too partial to be wise counsel. #3- As long as what you're doing is edifying the family and changing people's lives in a positive direction, what's the problem? Unless it has more to do with your spouse's ego than your ambition... Think about it...

3- Do evaluate your motives.
Take a very close look at why you're pursuing what your pursuing. Is this in the best interest of your family? Is this going to improve your household or hurt it? Is this a calling on your life or is this a wish you'd like to fulfill just because? You have to do the soul searching required to give you a faith and courage strong enough to keep going, even if your spouse decides not to go on the journey with you.

Final Point

At the end of the day, it's not your family's life. It's your life and the only one who can live it is you. You have to trust your intuition, go with your own choices and take responsibility for living your best life. No one else can do that for you and if you turn the reins of your life over to other people's opinions, your regrets will still be yours to bare. No one else is going to have to live your life but you so make sure that you're doing the living of it.

What to Do About "Fair Weather" Friends

Remember all those times growing up when your mother pointed a finger and said "You are the company you keep"? She was right.

Time is precious which makes selecting friends an important, selective process. But how do you know who your real friends are?

One word: listen. If you spend enough time letting people talk, they will always show you who they really are. I'm not a fan of "fair weather" friends, people who are there to do lunch and shopping on a Saturday but have an early morning and are too busy to talk on a Sunday when you're having a serious family issue.

No one said friends have to be therapists. Friends who drain you of life energy with their endlessly dramatic "Woe is me" stories are not friends you need. Neither are the "Yeah, but..." friends. These are the people who bring you their troubles and no matter how many solutions you offer (hell, Oprah could be standing in front of them offering solutions), their response is always the same: "Yeah, but..."

Being a true friend is about being supportive,

not getting used.

In the same vane, eliminate your "fair weather" friends, the people who'll stay on the phone for hours seeking YOUR advice but always have to go after five minutes when you have a problem that needs solving or the friends who love to be friends when there's no significant other in the picture. However, once the next 'flavor of the month' comes along, they drop you like it's hot... or the friends who love to have you as a friend because you are Mrs. or Mr. So & So with Such & Such firm, living in a prestigious neighborhood, driving the fancy car. Once your social status goes, so will they.

So why am I talking about friendship on a site dedicated to building extraordinary success?

Because you are the company you keep. If you're expending your energy worried about other people's problems, annoyed by other people's lack of empathy, embroiled in 'Keeping up with the Jones', where's the energy to pursue your dreams?

The people in your inner circle will either help you or hurt you; there is no neutral. Be sure your friends are built-in sources of inspiration, aspiration and joy.

If they bring more grief than comic relief,

kick them to the curb!

Are You Tired of Hiding?

I've fallen off the exercise/fitness bandwagon. I'm a fitness junkie, a former personal trainer, and I've fallen off the wagon. It's been two weeks since I've worked out and about a month since my nutrition has been somewhat decent and I feel YUCKY! I always know the moment my body is out of proportion. The second I go into sweatpants rather than mini-skirts, flowy, pregnancy looking tops rather than tight knit tees, I know something's up.

I feel like I'm hiding... from my own body. So now I've spent the last couple of days saying affirmations, reading "You Can Heal Your Life" and I know all the mental patterns behind weight: protection of the self, security, blah blah blah blah blah and the question keeps coming up for me, "Why am I not back on track?"

Frustrating is the word! FRUSTRATING!!!!! But... There's a lesson here and I'm determined to find it, learn it and teach it so here we go...

Hiding is easy. Most people do it. We hide behind our degrees, our families, our careers, our weight, our 'niceness' but hiding never equated to joy. When you hide, you lose the opportunity to be seen. Well, you don't lose it; you reject it.

Hiding serves one purpose: it allows you to be less than who you are.

How do you hide?

It may not be weight. It may not be social status. It may not be your kids. But if you feel like you aren't 100% of who you are, you're hiding in some place, in some way in your life.

What I want to do is not point to the hiding but open up to it. There's nothing wrong with it! As kids, we play hide-and-go-seek. Why? Because the finding is SO MUCH FUN!

So now I'm finding myself, asking the questions, looking within, and I see that this, for me, is not about extra weight on my hips but extra pressure on my shoulders and what I'm doing right now to deal with the weight (besides developing new workout and nutrition regimens) is giving myself permission to hide. I give myself permission to go within so I can re-discover and come out... in divine right timing.

I know myself. I'll get back into prime shape. I know I will. It's not happening as fast as I would like but it's all happening right on time. In the meantime, I'm going to love myself right where I am. My heart beats, my eyes see and my feet move. The rest of it is on its way!